Why Your F1 Team Sucks 2019: Scuderia Ferrari

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko) 03/04/2019 at 10:00 • Filed to: Why Your F1 Team Sucks 2019

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Some people are fans of Ferrari. But many, many more people are NOT fans of Ferrari. This 2019 Oppositelock team preview is for those in the latter group. This is also a poor knockoff of Drew Magary’s infamous and inflammatory yearly NFL previews. Read all the previews so far !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

Your Team: Scuderia Ferrari

Your 2018 results: 571 and second in the championship. 2018 was Ferrari’s season to to lose and hoooooo boy did they! Their car was faster and kinder to the tires than Mercedes, yet due to horrible strategies on key occasions and Sebastian Vettel stroking out in the second half of the season, Ferrari lost the championship. HA HA. LOSERS!

!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! (Warning very gruesome leg inj ury )

Your Car: SF90

Just like Red Bull, the paint job is matte finished for the weight savings that I’m sure the engineers are jacking themselves off over. GOD, YES, 5 GRAMS LESS WEIGHT BECAUSE IT ISN’T SHINY, FUCK YES, ARUUUUHHHHGGGGG /Vettel crashes /

Your Team Principal: Mattia Binotto replaces The Marlboro Man, Maurizio Arrivabene, after yet another non-championship winning season. Binotto has been with the Scuderia since 1995 as an engine guy. After James Allison was fired, Binotto replaced him as Chief Keef Technical Officer. Backing up Swiss JJ Abrams here is a team of Italians thirsty for victory.

Your Drivers: Sebastian Vettel and Charles Leclerc

Sebastian Vettel is the 4 time world champion who switched to Ferrari after getting punked by his former Red Bull teammate Daniel Ricciardo. Vettel like, all Germans who grew up in the 90’s is a massive Schumacher fan. Vettel won his 4 championships with Red Bull. He finished 2nd in the drivers’ points last year by 88 points. Some of the reasons are as follows:

Charles Leclerc is from Monaco and after a fantastic rookie season as a Ferrari Junior at Sauber he got to switch seats with Kimi Raikkonen. Neat!

What’s new that sucks: New team principal after 4 years of failure. New driver. More pressure to win than ever!

What’s always sucked: Ferrari’s last constructors’ championship came from none other than Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa in 2008. That’s 11 years without a championship for the Scuderia which is the second longest gap in F1 history. If Ferrari doesn’t win this year, expect a whole raft of Ferrari friendly changes for the 2021 regulations. No team would be happier to bring back V12’s than this group of Italians. As Porsche determines the rules in sportscars, Ferrari makes the rules in F1.

What might not suck: Ferrari showed a bit of pace in testing this year just to be cocky about their speed after a whole winter of whining about how slow the cars were going to be this year just to fuck with their main rivals in silver. Expect fireworks in Melbourne and massive developments over the course of the season as Ferrari has upped their budget to spend on F1 this year.

Next up: Mercedes-Benz

NYankee1927 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 03/04/2019 at 10:08

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“ GOD, YES, 5 GRAMS LESS WEIGHT BECAUSE IT ISN’T SHINY, FUCK YES, ARUUUUHHHHGGGGG /Vettel crashes/”

I fucking lost it here. Well done. Maybe they should put that 5 grams back on. That is lost normal force on the tire.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 03/04/2019 at 10:16

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“Bwoaaahhh I did get a win last year. It was okay .”

-Kimi on Ferrari’s 2018.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 03/04/2019 at 10:21

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Just like Red Bull, the paint job is matte finished for the weight savings that I’m sure the engineers are jacking themselves off over. GOD, YES, 5 GRAMS LESS WEIGHT BECAUSE IT ISN’T SHINY, FUCK YES, ARUUUUHHHHGGGGG /Vettel crashes/

hahahhahaha ah man... you should get an award for that

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 03/04/2019 at 10:54

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Kimi had to go to the awards banquet, he wasn’t happy but boy did he get trashed:

Wheelerguy > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 03/04/2019 at 10:56

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As a Ferrari fan, I know what they are. They're a bunch of chokers. But fuck it, they've never been this close and I'd still want them to win instead of the Silberpfeil. Anything to rid Hamilton of all his blessings. 

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 03/04/2019 at 11:23

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Ignoring Bernie, Scuderia Ferrari is like the annoying, creepy old uncle of F1 teams. They’ve got so much history that any annoying, creepy thing they do still passes as endearing, and people love and respect them for staying so long. It’s their identity--without F1, their road cars have no pedigree.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 03/04/2019 at 13:14

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I can only respond with his actual words. None others could ever suffice.

“Yes I had fun at a party”

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 03/04/2019 at 13:48

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I love how he has to be propped up from behind.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 03/04/2019 at 14:20

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That’s the most assistance Vettel has ever given to a teammate in his career.